About:
27 year old girl. Edging towards real world. Stubborn. Falsely independent. Polish.
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The Ever Growing Distance
2004-05-22
I asked Bigfoot for a break tonight. I told him it�s the best option at this time but quite frankly it could be the worst. It�s been only a week but things are getting progressively worse with us. I cannot sit at the computer every night awaiting and hoping that he�ll come on and actually be sober enough to carry on a conversation. When he does get on, it is usually at 2 am only to tell me he�s tired and goes off to sleep. During the day I can only hope that he�ll spare me a minute for a phone call. Yesterday we didn�t talk at all. He worked till 5 then went off to a party, got too drunk to drive so he stayed at a friend�s house. The only word I got that he�s a live is his message he left me before he went to work this morning. When he came back he left me another message saying he�d be back in 2 hours. 5 hours later he finally blesses me with his time.He told me once that he stays busy to keep himself sane. In that effort I think he forgets to set anytime for us. I�m tired of crying myself to sleep every night. Somehow I came to realize a break is the only thing to do. For him, it gives him one less thing to worry about. Now he doesn�t feel obligated to make an effort of making contact. For me, it gives me nothing just more distance, which is the cause of all of this in the first place. I don�t know why I suggested it. I don�t know what�s going to happen from now on. He�ll hardly notice the difference and I�ll continue to wallow in my suffering. I regret becoming so dependent on him for my happiness.