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Best Friends Means You Get What You Deserve
2003-12-14
I�ve mentioned my frustrations with Christina here before. It seems that the longer this friendship drags on, the further away we grow. Yet because she has been apart of my life now for 6 years, it seems almost impossible to even imagine ending this now. I feel like I ought to love her and call her my best friend when truly it�s everything but. The good times would always overshadow the bad and my mind would ease itself. No matter how bad things got, we�d always go back to being normal.Things got bad few months ago. Christina was supposed to visit me for Columbus Day weekend but few weeks before hand spiteful words were said and since then we haven�t spoken. Her birthday passed 2 days ago and I felt obliged to send good wishes. She called me up after receiving them and just like the usual pattern that happens ever so often, we spoke as if nothing happened. Yet this time, the joy of having her back is bleaker. She�s changed as have I. No longer do I want to tolerate the bad aspects of her personality. The worst of it is criticism. She chooses to criticize everything I chose to do or say. Beforehand I always chose simply not to tell her about my actions because I knew her opinion would put me down and hurt me. But aren�t best friends supposed to tell each other everything? It�s a one sided rule. She confines in me but as years go by I see how little I tell her.
As we caught up on missed time on the phone, she describe her months being spent dating her drug dealing boyfriend, sleeping around with another boy and getting drunk on various instances. Then came the question, �What have you been doing?�
I told her I had a boyfriend but made a point of leaving it at that. If I described Bigfoot to her, she�d call him a loser and would patronize me for being with him. When asked what I do in my free time, I tried to be honest and confessed to smoking massive amounts of weed. Yes it has become my downfall. However, to this she scoffed.
�Are you one of those loser potheads now?� She asked. �God, that�s so fucking annoying. I can�t believe you.�
I didn�t say much to that. Such words spoken by someone so close to me bared so much pain, I couldn�t think of a response. But when the conversation ended I realized how hypocritical she could be. Here was the girl who drank every night last year, would come home at 4 am, wake up the next morning and go to work with me drunk. If I am the loser pothead, she was the loser drunk girl. And when she would brag about how much she drank and how little she could remember, I kept my mouth shut. Even was I worried about where she was and what she was doing. I�d never put her down for the things she did. What gives her the right to do it to me?
Things change. Her and I changed. I fear letting her go but the longer she�s in my life the harder it is to love her. I�m just waiting for that breaking point.
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed, when you say "best friends" means friends forever