Nothing Meaningful But So Special

2003-02-27

Few days ago Natalie called me in the middle of the night with a dilemma. She says that out of all the people she kissed, only one gave her pleasure. So even though she claimed to be in love with others, she hated to kiss them. And the person that gave her the best kiss lives now in Puerto Rico, and all of that happened when she was 12. Yet she says that he's constantly in her mind. So now she's scared that this will continue. That she will never enjoy any of the kisses because of that one person. She's scared that maybe he's the one. It's quite funny to think that but that's beside the point.

All of this made me think of my own experiences. Unlike Nat, I enjoyed the kisses I received. Though there isn't much to compare on, I only kissed 4 people in my life but it wasn't like hers, where I twinge in disgust. But the whole thinking about that one person through out the years made me think of Peter or Super Hair as I called him.

Super Hair was part of the 16 people group that I went to Italy with in the summer of 2000. It was like summer camp without the supervision, basically they dropped us off at resort by Naples and let us do whatever we wanted for 2 weeks. I had the time of my life but I didn't really speak to him during that time. The group somehow split up into 2. Him, his friend, another guy and 3 girls all hung out together and the rest of us stayed together. During the evenings we would all venture out into the nearest town then split up and go our separate ways. In few hours time we somehow rejoined with alcohol in hands and went back to the campsite where we plopped on the beach till 4 am and had good time. It was a daily routine. 2 days before we were to leave, I was thrust into a conversation with Super Hair. (Oh I guess I should explain the nickname. Well, he had long hair and well it seemed funny at the time. It's one of those things you had to be there for.) My first impression of him was that he was the biggest loser, but through out the vacation I saw that he was quite popular and finally I managed to strike up a conversation. After that things went on as usual. We spent the rest of the days on the beach, and I would see him occasionally. The bus ride from Italy to Poland took 3 days. As I braced myself for a numb ass, I started to realize that Peter (no longer Super Hair) suddenly started paying attention to me. Such as laughing at everything I say or do (snorting). Showing me card tricks and even sitting next to me on the bus. We drove over night. During that time he bombarded me with questions about America. Such as "how much does a garbage man make?� My best friend who was now sitting behind me and using some guy for a pillow, kept rolling her eyes but I found the whole thing endearing. We had a pit stop over night in the Czech Republic. So of course we had to stage a party. After few drinks I was already bumping into walls and rolling off the beds. Peter somehow magically appeared beside me to sober me up. I found myself alone in a room with him at one point. I was sitting on the bed and he kneeled beside me. "If you take a sip of this drink can you promise me this will be your last?" He asked. And I promised. As the party died down, I found a dark spot in the hallway where I lied down. Soon there he was, with his head on my stomach. We spoke for hours, he kept laughing at how I couldn't pronounce the street I was living on during my summer stay. I laughed at him and shower songs that could be heard through out the camping site. When it was time to go, he walked me to my room and said good night. And just like that, I felt like the happiest person. The next day we arrived in Poland and it was time to say good-bye. Weirdly enough, we did not speak for that whole day. I had a bad hung over and he was being distant. But as I walked off the bus I saw him standing there. He walked over to me and gave me the biggest hug. I said bye and headed home.

The next day my phone rang and it was Peter. He asked me out and out I went. And for the next week we kept going out. It turned out actually that he lived 2 blocks away from where I was staying. We would just chill in the park or at the university that was near by. All those places were where I grew up at and to be there with a new person in my life suddenly became so weird. Yet it was good. He was good to me. He gave me his sweater when I was cold. Always ask me about my life in the States and bring roses to me. But I was young and I didn't know what I wanted. It was now August and I wanted to have some good old fun. But going out on my own suddenly became impossible with Peter calling me every 5 minutes. He would show up on my doorstep at 10 am. If I declined going out he would call for the next hour asking when was I free. I was never home anyway. Days were spent out on the town, nights were slept in friend's houses. But bumping into him became constant and I grew tired of avoiding him. One day after declining his invitation to go out he suddenly showed up at my door asking me for a walk. I put my shoes on but as soon as we stepped outside he headed for his house. I said "No I can't go. I'm going out." and before he could say anything else I simply said this isn't going to work anymore. It's the summer and I feel too tied down with you. He nodded at me and I still remember how brown his eyes looked at that moment.

One week later I went out of town to visit my grandparents. When I came back, the "word on the street" was that he's completely devastated. I saw him few more times from far, and would always duck into the nearest door or just run the other way. Towards the summer's end I lost sight of him.

What we had wasn't much of a relationship, it wasn't much of anything. At least that's how I saw it. When it was time to go back to NYC I promised never to look back on him. Yet over these 3 years I find myself thinking of him constantly. Maybe because it all happened in Poland where I always wanted to meet a good old Polish boy. Or maybe it's because my mind keeps playing the "what if" game. What if I stayed with him through the summer? Would I have had a better perspective on relationships now?

You know, there were many before him and many after him and yet it's always Peter whose on my mind. And like Natalie fears, what if he's the one? I'm a firm believer of fate, so if there is a one, somehow somewhere we will end up together. No matter the distance or the circumstances.

Sometimes I imagine myself seeing him again and apologizing for not giving us a chance. I was young and foolish, I would tell him. Then I would ask him "What did you do that makes me think of you constantly?".