March Madness

2003-03-12

I call this period March Madness. This is the time where I begin to feel suffocated by my own life. I refrain from any social interactions and easily pick my bed over anything else. When I do have to venture out into the public, I feel overwhelmed with hatred towards myself. I hate myself for wasting my life away. I hate it that I'm wearing a big puffy jacket and look like a boulder walking down the street while the people around me look beautifully comfortable in their tailored coats. I hate that I have to walk against the crowd and face hundreds of faces looking down on me. Naturally, by the time I get to school I am in a sour mood. It's get worse when it's time to go home. I feel compelled to go somewhere and just hang out but nothing comes into mind except the vision of my bed. I realize that being in social setting gives me anxieties. I feel paranoid that people are looking at me and muttering, "Look what crawled out from under the rock."

As I was waiting for the subway in an empty station and took a deep breath and tried to relax myself. I must have sat there for an hour because train after train arrived and yet I couldn't move. Just sitting there, underground was so much better than the idea of going out there. I figured I'd become an urban legend. The girl who vanished on Fort Hamilton Parkway station and is only seen at the 5 o’clock rush, running with her rat friends. Yes, I can see myself doing that.

Like I said, it's March Madness and this shall pass. This is usually followed by Spring Blues but fortunately I am able to face the outside world during that time.

But if you don't see me, check the subway station. I'll be sitting down there.