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27 year old girl. Edging towards real world. Stubborn. Falsely independent. Polish.
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The Karma Will Get Me
2005-01-28
My 21st birthday was certainly not how I foresaw myself reaching alcoholic legalization. The night before I suddenly found myself uttering my inner most confession to Bigfoot, cheating on him with his best friend. After watching him walk out on me, I called Kelly who could only ask me �why did you do that?�. Quite frankly, I am quite convinced I have lost all sane judgment. Bigfoot who claimed to have felt rage seemed quiet and lost. I didn�t say much when he announced he was going to a bar. It was when he returned, highly intoxicated, that he proceed to interrogate me about the incident.�Who kissed who?� It is as if that question decides my fate. Is there less blame if I was at the receiving end? If there was I sure would like it over at my end, the end where I was the one who made the move. I knew for Bigfoot everything fell into place. Why suddenly his best friend was gravely avoiding him, why I kept bring him up into conversations. That night he slept out in the living room. When I awoke in the morning I saw a conversation online between him and Natalie. He told her he was furious and how he could never trust me again. It was a different story when I returned from school, he greeted me with open arms and a �happy birthday�. Instead of being relieved, I was angry. I couldn�t understand how he could forgive me, again. How much of a horrible person must I be for him to punish me. Maybe I am looking for limits in this relationship. He says I can�t do anything for him to love me less and I sought to distinguish that anything. How can I be so easily let off the hook and his best friend still occupying his shit list? I�ll never understand. By the end of my non celebratory day, I finally bought myself my very first legal alcoholic drink. It was a margarita and as luck would have it, it had very or no alcohol in it.
On the day of my birthday I came clean of a secret that has been a reminder of a mistake I happen to make. I might be a horrible person and soon karma will get me. However I am not a person who learns her lessons. How else could I say yes to a dinner from a handsome boy?
I�m going to hell.