The Dying Affection

2004-09-29

I got a job which leads me to believe that there is hope for my survival in the real world. I went after school to fill out an application and got hired on the spot. It�s a research company that constantly employs people to do phone surveys. It�s not telemarketing, its more government ran. It�s 6.80 an hour and I got to make up my own schedule, just for that I�ll suffer through my phone phobia. My supervisor asked how I heard about this job.
�Jesus told me about it.� I almost said but stopped myself. If the real, biblical Jesus spoke to people about jobs I bet the church attendance would be up higher. My Jesus doesn�t turn water into wine though. It�s odd how a year ago I was completely infatuated with him, dying for some kind of acknowledgment of me. Now, only 12 months later, not only does he acknowledge me, he takes time to chat with me, stop by the apartment, and invite me over to his place for movies. All of this attention has made a mess in my head. There will always be something about that boy that will make my heart flutter. I find myself striving for his approval, hoping to get a laugh out of him. I want him to see what he has passed on. But as I do that, horrible thoughts begin to form, ideas and plans of how I can get closer to him. It�s not something you want to contemplate while you�re in a serious relationship with another.
Bigfoot was always anxious of Jesus. He always gets this horrible look on his face whenever I mention him. It�s even more horrible when he finds out he hung out with me. It used to pain me to see it yet now I half disregard it.
One Friday night I went over to Jesus�s place to watch a movie. For the entire length of it I paid no attention to it but rather to the fact that he was near me, and how can I take advantage of this situation. And even if I did, I know he wouldn�t allow it. He�s too kind for this, he�d push me away and slap some sense into it. And yet I have hope, from my past experience, even good guys cave in. One even sacrificed his relationship with best friend for me. People aren�t rational when they�re horny.
All of this came down to one question, if all of this is taking place in my head then do I really love Bigfoot? I started feeling suffocated. If this isn�t working out I can�t leave. The lease on the apartment is for a year, I cannot leave after one month. This is exactly what my father was talking about, I�ll fail miserably. I tried turning to Natalie but ended up being angry and in tears after what she said. The thing is what she was saying was the truth and I didn�t want to hear it. Whatever advice she did give, I cannot take. I cannot leave Bigfoot, not at this moment, even when I�m lusting after Jesus. I do love Bigfoot, maybe not to the same extent as before or to the same degree as he loves me. The only thing I can do is stick this out, see what happens, hope that it will change. I look into his eyes longer now, hoping to see what I used to that made me love him so much. I�m hoping to see what�s missing.