Barely Holding On

2004-09-17

Wednesday night, Bigfoot got a hold of $220 worth of shrooms. His plan was to sell most of it and keep an ounce for both of us. After heading over to the dorms and selling $60 dollars of it, we headed back to our apartment and started on our piece. He started feeling it immediately while I had minimal effects. I asked him if I can eat more but he was so into his trip that I doubt he knew what he was agreeing to. I sat here by the computer and munched on another gram of it. The trip began like the first time around. Colors swirled around, lights changed from blue red into yellow. Sound was intensified but whatever I head didn�t make sense, it was gibberish put on fast forward. After an hour I became paralyzed in this seat. The words on the computer blurred then began to swirl. In my head I was convinced I was at a cemetery where my grandfather is buried. Tears began to stream down in intervals, and after each time I�d laugh. I was slowly losing my mind.

Bigfoot retreated to the bedroom while I remind here. It felt like I lost control of my body and was glued to this chair. I was slumped over with my hair in a big mess after me pulling at it violently. I watched small flowers grow in the carpet and wanted so badly to join Bigfoot but my brain was convinced he was evil. Slowly I rose from the chair and stumbled into the bathroom from there I don�t remember much. Time passed by in blocks, I couldn�t separate the dream from reality. I can�t describe properly what went on in my brain because I myself could not understand any of it. For anyone who has ever tripped, you�ll know it gives you an alternate way of thinking but my brain somehow took that to another level.

I remember coming out of the bathroom and slumping against the way. Tears began streaming again and I begged Bigfoot to make this stop.

�I want this to be over.� I begged him.

�Just lay down, it will be over soon.� He reassured me.

I collapsed on the bed and cried violently and from then on I completely lost it. I felt as if my brain was poisoned. I knew this isn�t normal and that any minute I might die. The idea of dying was so realistically put in my head, that I was already seeing my funereal. I lost control of my speech and any rational thinking. I felt my mind going against me, urging me to take the nearest knife and shove it through my chest.

�Please, please call the hospital.� I urged Bigfoot with all the power I had left in me. He told me later that it was a good hour before he realized he could do nothing to help me. He told me to close my eyes and sleep but I was petrified that if I fall asleep I may never wake up. After some time Bigfoot call an ambulance. By that time I was lying by the door. I needed people to tell me everything will be ok, to convince my brain from killing itself. Paramedics came at 3 a.m and proceeded to ask me questions. By that time I didn�t who I was or where I am. Flash backs of my childhood were the only things appearing visibly in my head. They put me on the stretcher and loaded me up into the ambulance. I kept pleading for them to keep me alive. The ride to the hospital was as weird as everything before it. I couldn�t recognize the streets and soon the hallucinations worsened. The ambulance door turned into snaked that kept hissing.

When they reeled me into E.R, I felt so ashamed as everyone started. I was so tired by then but still kept refusing to sleep. Bigfoot stayed by my side throughout all of this. They couldn�t do anything to stop the trip. I was given something to calm me down. Nurses kept coming in and out. I kept my eyes fixated on the clock, but as the trip continued I could not longer read it or realize what exactly I was looking at. At 6 a.m I was finally coherent. I lost all feeling in my body and Bigfoot carried me out into the cab, I was also shoeless. Once home, he tucked me in and waited till I finally fall asleep. I slept till 5pm.

Later on in the day, Bigfoot and I began discussing the whole ordeal. I asked him if he ever had a bad trip.

�No and I don�t think anyone had it like yours. I never seen such a thing.� He told me. �It wasn�t you. I was so terrified.�

I was too, because the first time in my life I knew that if I let go of the little piece of sanity in my head I know I�d listen to the alternate side of my brain and kill myself.

I told my mother about the whole ordeal that day. She put it simply not to talk to her anytime soon. I let her down and I let myself down. It�s a horrible feeling to know you�ve failed in all the places.