Caving Walls

2004-04-13

My eyes are red from crying but I no longer know what I�m crying for. I feel that with each day I�m losing my mind here. I think that maybe I�m homesick, that I am in need of a change of scenery. Yet when I�m home I feel just as suffocated as anywhere else.

Then there�s Bigfoot whom I have become dependent on for my happiness. It is weak of me to rely on a person so heavily. I hate myself for it each day and each day it hurts more. Things are so complicated now. I try to starve off the pain and the only way I can see myself doing it is by hurting him. I scheme plans to make him feel insufficient. And the self-hatred continues. Loving him hurts too much at times, unknowingly he can bring me down to nothing. I�ve lost all control and I don�t know what to do anymore. All I can do is cry and no one knows why. Not even I.