I Do Have The Right...What's That Stuff?

2004-01-26

It was 5 am and I couldn’t sleep. I felt his hands on my stomach stroking my skin. I calculated in my head how many hours of sleep I could get if only I could just slip away now. The number was narrowing down to 2. It was a horribly long day but somehow my body didn’t or simply couldn’t feel tired not when the mind was racing with wild thoughts.

I thought about the night I spent at Natalie’s. She was drifting into sleep and lazily asked me random questions. “What do you think is love?” I contemplated this for a minute, a simple question with an answer so hard to put into words. “When you feel extreme emotions all rolled up in a ball that sits in the back of your throat.” I told her.

“We all feel love differently.” She said. If that’s the case then there are different extremes of love yet in the end it is still that feeling of the same name. I wait for the day when I’ll have those extreme emotions though I feel it may never come. I may not feel my heart drop at the sight of my love, instead a calm will wash over me, making me feel safe and secure. It is how my heart loves.

“If he told you he loved you,” Natalie asked. “Would you say it back and mean it?”

Last night he told me those small 3 words. No one ever said them to me and I never imagined my lips uttering them back. But I did and in my own special way I meant it. Very much so.