What You Know Hurts

2003-10-08

I don�t know how to describe this person anymore. My impression was that he was a genuine human being who was funny, sweet and caring. He�d sometimes stop in our room, chat with me and would always embrace me in a tight hug. When attending a party a week ago, after spotting his familiar face in the sea of strangers, I was overjoyed. In fact I was so happy, I didn�t let go of him for the rest of the night.

I knew he had a girlfriend when we kissed. The fact didn�t bother me when there were 8 cups of beer flowing through my veins. The week following the party though, my brain got the best of me. I hoped that he would come down to my room and just say hi. I never expected anything more than that. I knew my place in his life and I doubted there was any for him in mine. Yet not seeing him bothered me. Was he avoiding me? Did he feel ashamed for his actions? Did he think I regretted it? The thought of someone assuming how I might feel drove me crazy. I wasn�t in control of the situation. I had to let him know that I am okay with everything. That we are still friends and nothing else has changed. Also during those seven days I fought hard to push any thoughts of us together away.

�This is your friend, you cannot like him more than that. You have no chance.� I would think to myself.

Sunday night as I stood outside, he drove up in his car and opened the door. He asked me to get in and without a word I obliged. He asked me why I was avoiding him. A friendly screaming match ensued. It was a big misunderstanding. He wasn�t ignoring me. A big weight was lifted off my shoulders and suddenly I couldn�t stop smiling. He told me he still wants to talk to me because I am a beautiful person and suddenly all the resistance in my mind broke. I didn�t want him as a friend. I wanted him to be so much more.

The next evening, as I stood outside once more he came over while talking on the phone. He kissed my cheek and hugged me tightly. I heard a girl�s voice on the other end of the line. Moments later he ended the conversation and put the phone away.

�Was that your girlfriend?� A girl who was standing near by asked.

Without hesitation he answered yes. Without much thought I grabbed my keys and headed inside. My stomach was churning inside and any further words might break me apart. Before closing the door I heard her say, �You cheat on your girlfriend.�

And once again without any holding back he answered yes.

It angers me that I am hurt by something I already knew. Yet it bothers me even more that I still carry hope for him.