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Feels
My Mask
2003-09-14
It seems like everyone perceives me in a false way and when they see the true me, it�s a big let down that they cannot fathom. Guys especially are stunned and mostly angry that I am not the girl they thought I would be. It has come to a point where I am forced to tell them at the beginning of any new relationship, �I am nowhere near the person you think I am.� Yet they just perceive this statement as me being insecure and tell me most often that what I am is what they like. Truth is, the person I truly am, no one likes.This boy, claimed to have feelings for me after only few days of knowing me. We got really close in a short amount of time and my head was reeling from the speed of the actions we took. He told me I�m the greatest girl he met so far and I knew he�d be eating his words soon. I tried warning him that sooner or later he will despise me. He couldn�t understand why I would say such things.
�The fear of being a bad person makes you think you are one,� He told me.
Part of me wanted to prove him wrong and I set out on a mission. How long will it take me to make him hate me? It�s been a week now and today I heard him say, �I hate New York City people�. In the past 5 days, I�ve hurt him and made him cry. I�ve let him down like I did with so many people before. Different faces, same situations.
I walk around, not fazed by any of this. Sometimes though I fear that the person I�ll never mean to hurt will hurt me instead. That is why I�ll continue to hide behind this false image of myself. I�ll go on being a let down for everyone, and continue being called the �cold hearted bitch� but it�s my way of survival. I�m not the one being hurt.
"I will let you down. I will make you hurt."