Fat Is My Friend


I made a conscious effort to get up at 11 o’clock this morning, have some breakfast and then maybe clean off the room just enough for me to see my floor. Well I got to the breakfast part. My attention was suddenly diverted to “The View”. Once the conversation turned onto the topic of faking your orgasm, I had to stick around and watch this. Actually, I just wanted to hear what Barbara Walters had to say about orgasms. Yet I have to say Barbara’s voice is like an illegal sleeping pill. Once it hit my ears I was put into deep slumber. Next thing I know, it was 4pm and mom was already home. I have to convince her that my long naps are making me less likely to do drugs. Sleeping, my anti-drug.

Having slept through the day I now have to suffer insomnia during the night. It’s 2 am and I’m bored. So I’ve compiled a list of things I learned while going to the gym over the week.

1. Nothing will stop my mother from going to the gym. Not even a blizzard and 6 inches of snow on the ground. Or me pulling her back into the house.

2. Never stop abruptly on a fast going treadmill. It can lead to serious injuries or simply a potentially embarrassing moment.

3. If someone asks if you need help with the machine’s buttons, it means they’re hitting on you.

4. If someone offers to show you how to use the treadmill, it means they’re hitting on you and they think you’re dumb.

5. Not having breakfast before working out is not a good idea. It can lead to dizziness and disorientation. Most of all, it leads to you tripping over yourself.

6. Eating Burger King after a work out will not lead to good results.

Jenny Craig would be so proud of me.