Fat Is My Friend

2003-04-12

I made a conscious effort to get up at 11 o�clock this morning, have some breakfast and then maybe clean off the room just enough for me to see my floor. Well I got to the breakfast part. My attention was suddenly diverted to �The View�. Once the conversation turned onto the topic of faking your orgasm, I had to stick around and watch this. Actually, I just wanted to hear what Barbara Walters had to say about orgasms. Yet I have to say Barbara�s voice is like an illegal sleeping pill. Once it hit my ears I was put into deep slumber. Next thing I know, it was 4pm and mom was already home. I have to convince her that my long naps are making me less likely to do drugs. Sleeping, my anti-drug.

Having slept through the day I now have to suffer insomnia during the night. It�s 2 am and I�m bored. So I�ve compiled a list of things I learned while going to the gym over the week.

1. Nothing will stop my mother from going to the gym. Not even a blizzard and 6 inches of snow on the ground. Or me pulling her back into the house.

2. Never stop abruptly on a fast going treadmill. It can lead to serious injuries or simply a potentially embarrassing moment.

3. If someone asks if you need help with the machine�s buttons, it means they�re hitting on you.

4. If someone offers to show you how to use the treadmill, it means they�re hitting on you and they think you�re dumb.

5. Not having breakfast before working out is not a good idea. It can lead to dizziness and disorientation. Most of all, it leads to you tripping over yourself.

6. Eating Burger King after a work out will not lead to good results.

Jenny Craig would be so proud of me.