Half Full or Half Empty?

2003-03-31

I get these thoughts that something wonderful awaits me but I�ll never get to see it because I�ve been such a horrible person who does not deserve such joy. I tell my mother that I fear I�ll die this summer because suddenly life is looking up and it�s too good to be true. She tells me to think positive but I already am. My way of thinking positive is that I�ll die painlessly. Her advice? Go to church.

I prayed to God in times of need and all I saw was more pain. I felt like one of those sinners who only called on him in times of need. Maybe that�s why he never answered. The pain grew so bad that I became numb. Lifeless and emotionless, I walked around like a zombie, getting through day by day without any significant markings. I couldn�t stir up any thoughts or feelings. When there was a death in our family, I didn�t even shed a tear, for I have somehow forgot how to cry. I had no one to turn to except for a boy named Manny who pretended to care just so that he was vindicated of his wrong doings throughout the years. At the height of all of this, I told him that I am slowly dying inside. I pleaded for him to save me. I wished to be saved by anyone but no one reached out. I think I drowned in my own pain and the tides washed me up onto the shores to start all over again.

A year later I am fine. I�m better, I�m happier. I�m trying to gain back my emotions. I feel I ought to be loving but somehow nothing is stirring in my heart. I�ve lost the liberty to trust. Yet with all of that aside, I am full of hope. Hope, that somehow, someday I�ll go back to normal. With things progressing so well, I feel like the rug underneath me will be pulled out and I�ll fall flat on my face. Again.

Someone told me over the weekend that my life is like a movie with a bad director. To this I said, �maybe I�m just a bad actress.�